Settle the Score
by cellochick373
Summary: "Quinn abused Rachel for so long, so she feels it's okay if Rachel returns the favor."
1. Chapter 1

Hello all, this is already posted over at LJ, but I know not everyone on FF gets over there, so here it is just in case!

Warning: No spoilers, it's AU, but if accounts of abuse (physical and mental) are triggers for you, I wouldn't recommend reading.

Summary: For xrainingsorrowx's prompt over at the rq_angst meme. "Quinn abused Rachel for so long, so she feels it's okay if Rachel returns the favor." Cookies for anyone who knows the song the opening lyric is from!

* * *

_Maybe my baby will be the one to leave me sore…_

_Maybe my baby will settle the score…_

"God, you disgust me sometimes, Quinn."

The biting tone of the other girl's voice made Quinn cringe, and she lifted her hands to try and cover herself.

Rachel smacked her hands away, sneering at her. "Don't. There's nothing you could _possibly_ do to improve yourself. All you're doing now is becoming more pathetic. And to think, you used to pretend you were better than _me!_"

Quinn shook her head, murmuring, "I was wrong, Rach, so wrong. I'm so, so sorry-"

The brunette cut her off with a harsh kiss, biting her lip until she felt a coppery taste on her tongue. Puling back, she snapped, "I told you to stop apologizing, Quinn."

Nodding meekly, the blonde hung her head, bringing a hand up to wipe the blood from her lip, knowing there was probably going to be a bruise blooming there by morning. She looked up quickly as she felt Rachel step closer, knowing what was going to happen next.

The brunette surged forward, attacking the blonde's bare breasts with her teeth, squeezing just roughly enough to ensure that her fingerprints would be emblazoned there. Moving up to the other girl's collarbone, she bit hard enough to draw blood, reveling in the way Quinn tensed beneath her, obviously trying not to cry out.

The pain made Quinn's head swim, and she tried to steady her breathing because she knew what would happen next now, too. As if on cue, she felt Rachel plunge four fingers into her without preamble, and she had to bite the inside of her cheek to contain her cry of pain. Any sort of response only made Rachel angrier, and she had learned at the beginning of their relationship that the petite brunette's wrath was something to avoid at all costs.

Wincing and closing her eyes as she felt Rachel move down her body, continuing to bite and bruise, Quinn forced herself to remember why she was doing this. The pain and torture she had inflicted upon the brunette while still the captain of the Cheerios still loomed over her, and she knew that what Rachel was doing to her paled in comparison.

Quinn _let_ Rachel do this to her, whenever she needed to, knowing that all of the brunette's pent up frustration and anger was her fault. Whenever the smaller girl lashed out, Quinn looked on it as a sort of penance for her past actions, and so she accepted it wholeheartedly.

It didn't _really _matter that she had become an expert at layering coverup to mask her bruises. It didn't _really _matter that most nights she cried herself to sleep, only to wake up in the throes of nightmares where Rachel sometimes went one step too far. It didn't _really_ matter that she was more likely to flinch away from the brunette's touch than lean into it.

None of the bad things mattered, because she knew she deserved all of the pain and then some for how she had treated Rachel in the past. If her pain was what it would take for Rachel to feel better, then she would gladly let the brunette hurt her.

Quinn knew that it wasn't _really_ a fair exchange, and that maybe, the relationship wasn't even really all that healthy, but she didn't know how to stop. She _loved_ Rachel, and she knew she wasn't strong enough to just leave her.

Even after the first few weeks of allowing Rachel to use her as a verbal and occasionally physical punching bag, when the word _abusive_ had first crossed her mind, she hadn't known how to stop. The little brunette had become the only thing that could light up her otherwise dark life, and she couldn't find it in herself to walk away.

So now, lying underneath Rachel until she finally collapsed, completely spent, Quinn knew. She knew that she deserved every stab of pain she could feel going through her battered body. She knew that she could never, ever leave the girl laying on top of her. She also knew, with a stab of guilt, what was going to happen next.

Rachel slowly seemed to calm down, her high dissipating, and as she came back to her senses, her features contorted in a sort of anguished shock as she took in Quinn's appearance.

As tears began to slip down her face, Quinn was quick to wipe them gently away, soothing her and murmuring sweet reassurances in her ear. She ignored the ache of her arm and side as she rubbed soothing circles on the brunette's back, and she forced herself not to wince as Rachel brushed a gentle kiss against her bruised lip.

"I'm sorry." The quiet whisper was the one thing that Quinn looked forward to, because if Rachel was sorry, then it meant there was still hope. If Rachel was sorry, maybe there was some small part of her that loved Quinn back.

"Me too," was the blonde's quiet response, and she pulled Rachel just a little bit closer to her. She knew that in tonight, she would go home and inventory the fresh damage to her body. Tomorrow, she would carefully apply what felt like bottles of coverup to hide the bruises that weren't easily hidden by clothing. And tomorrow night? More than likely, she would find herself again faced with an angry tormentor in the form of a little brunette with a dazzling smile.

For now, though, Quinn let herself revel in the feel of small arms wrapping around her, running soothing lines up her sore body, and she let a small smile grace her features. These moments were the ones that almost made up for all the pain and hurt. The feeling of Rachel's arms around her almost made her feel safe with the brunette beside her. And when Rachel placed a soft kiss to her cheek, the feeling was almost enough to make her believe that this was the last time Rachel would ever hurt her.

_Almost._


	2. Chapter 2

Warning: Indirect account/discussion of abuse.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine =(

Summary: For xrainingsorrowx's prompt over at the rq_angst meme. "Quinn abused Rachel for so long, so she feels it's okay if Rachel returns the favor."

* * *

Rachel felt the familiar knot in the back of her throat the next day at school when she saw Quinn walking through the doors. Her eyes scanned the blonde, seeking out the places where she knew concealer would be meticulously layered on. If she hadn't been looking for it, she never would have noticed it, but her eyes caught a spot on her neck and she cringed internally.

She hated how she was with the other girl- mean and hurtful and cruel. She knew that what Quinn had done to her was in the past, and she had listened to the girl's hundreds of apologies, a fair number of them accompanied by tears and heartbreaking sobs.

She really did love the other girl, but it was like she didn't know how to stop. When Quinn had first come to her and had admitted her feelings, she had assumed it was simply another ploy to get her to open up and then be crushed later. Her response had been formulated based on that assumption, and she had decided that she would take whatever opportunity possible to exact some sort of revenge on the blonde.

Never in her wildest imaginings could she have guessed that Quinn was sincere, and now she finds it too late to do anything differently. She takes out all of her pent up anger and hurt on the blonde, inflicting a slightly different kind of pain, and the knowledge that she can hurt Quinn back is intoxicating.

When she comes down from her power high, though, she is always faced with the results of her destruction. The first time it had happened, she had been horrified at herself. The image of Quinn laying there, curled into a ball, sobbing quietly, is forever ingrained in her memory. When Quinn had cried out at her touch, something had snapped.

When she was later trying to reason through and justify her actions, she came up with the idea that it was fair. She had suffered through so much, and had done so almost silently- it was only right that Quinn have to do the same if she was truly repentant.

Quinn had submitted to her every whim, no matter how painful and cruel, and somehow that just made Rachel even angrier. The girl that did everything she asked wasn't the same girl who had tormented her for so long- she was too wracked by guilt, and too small and accommodating to be that person. She later justified her behavior as an attempt to try and wake up the girl and rekindle her missing spark- she was doing Quinn a favour, really.

The problem was that Quinn never woke up, and whatever spark might have been in her to start with was quickly extinguished. And now, every time she lashes out at the other girl in desperation, she hopes and prays that the Quinn Fabray she used to know will return, because if she doesn't? There is no way she can possibly explain away her actions.

If she doesn't wake up, it will mean that _she_ is the terrible person here, not Quinn, and that thought is terrifying to her. If Quinn stays like she is now, then it will mean that _Rachel_ is the one that broke her, and that thought is perhaps the thing that motivates her the most to continue on in this broken semblance of a relationship.

When Quinn looks up at her after she's done, eyes filled with tears and love, it makes Rachel's heart break. The knowledge that _she_ is the one doing that to the blonde is sometimes enough to make her want to stop and never hurt her again. When Quinn gives her that look, it always makes her want to wrap the other girl in her arms and never let go. It makes her want to fix all of the wrong in Quinn's life, especially all of the wrong that's there because of her.

Instead, Quinn always ends up being the one to offer comfort. Rachel knows that it's sick and twisted and so very, very _wrong_ that the blonde is the one that has to comfort her, when the blonde is the one with the bruises covering her body. The love and forgiveness radiating from Quinn's embrace always makes her feel like maybe this thing with them isn't going to kill one or both of them, that maybe it can actually work.

Some days, though, the forgiveness just makes her want to hurt the blonde a little bit more, because _she_ is supposed to be the bigger person. Rachel Berry, not Quinn Fabray, is supposed to be the one full of forgiveness and love, but instead Rachel berry is the one who can inflict nothing but pain and sadness.

She still holds to her internal mantra of _It's only fair_, but deep inside, she knows that this isn't. Maybe at the beginning, when she honestly thought that Quinn was just trying to play her, but not any more. Not since she realized that Quinn truly does love her, and that her apologies are more than sincere. Now, it's just cruel, but she's stuck not knowing how to make it better.

Those moments when she lays in Quinn's arms, and the occasional time when Quinn lays in hers, show her what their relationship _could_ be like. All love and safety and warmth. She wants that, almost as desperately as she wants for Quinn to be fiery and feisty again, but she doesn't know how to get from where they are now to there. The distance from point A to point B has never seemed quite so daunting as now.

In fact, mornings like this, when she sees how the blonde flinches from any sort of touch, the distance seems impossibly long. Every time this happens, she gets an ache, deep in the corner of her heart where she knows this is wrong, and she wants nothing more than to go and take the other girl in her arms and gently hold her and tell her everything will be alright.

This morning in particular, something snaps. She isn't sure if she's just tired of fighting and only feeling the ache grow, or if maybe she just can't stand the sight of the blonde hurting anymore, but for the first time, she moves. Her steps to Quinn's locker are slow and hesitant, but she finally makes it there. Everything in her is screaming that this is bad, and that doing anything will only make it hurt more later, but she can't stop it. Her hand reaches out, and she tangles their fingers together, squeezing lightly.

She can see the shock in Quinn's eyes, and the way she tugs her lip between her teeth and looks worried she did something wrong makes the ache grow. Stepping a bit closer, Rachel murmurs, "I'm sorry. I just- I'm sorry."

Quinn appraises Rachel carefully, trying to discern why she is doing this, but eventually a soft smile makes its way onto her features. Rachel's heart thumps, and she wishes desperately that _this_ was the look Quinn gave her most often, instead of the sadness and pain. "If I'm not allowed to apologize, I don't think you should be either." The soft words are tinged with a tentatively hopeful note, and Rachel has to fight the urge to quash it with a look.

She settles for carefully disentangling their fingers and stepping away, but her heart feels just a bit lighter and the ache has lessened. When Quinn gives her a hesitant smile, Rachel feels like she's grown wings. She knows that this is a tiny, tiny step, but maybe it can be a step in the right direction instead of the wrong one.

_Maybe._


	3. Chapter 3

Warning: Indirect account/discussion of abuse.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine =(

Summary: For xrainingsorrowx's prompt over at the rq_angst meme. "Quinn abused Rachel for so long, so she feels it's okay if Rachel returns the favor."

* * *

Quinn sat in her bathroom, sobs wracking her thin frame. She didn't know why she had let Rachel's actions affect her- it wasn't the first time the brunette had been nice, only to lash out as soon as her barriers were down.

This time, though, she had thought there was something different. She had thought that this time Rachel truly meant it when she had said she was sorry, but then, she supposed she thought every other time this had happened had been different too.

The hope was the worst part, she decided, feeling the cool porcelain of the bathtub edge against her aching head. The burst of hope that exploded in her chest every time Rachel did something so sweet and loving, an that made her feel like maybe it was finally over. Maybe she had finally paid her dues, and Rachel had decided that she had suffered enough.

That little bubble of hope would expand, making her feel like she was floating in anticipation of time spent with Rachel where she wouldn't have to _hurt_ so much. But then, without fail, the next time she would see the brunette, it would all come crashing down.

This time, the downfall of her hopes had been subtle, but no less devastating. Rachel had come over to her house after school, and they had been lying on the bed when the smaller girl had started speaking in an offhand, conversational tone.

"You know, Quinn, I've been thinking- why, exactly, do I stay around you?"

Quinn had tried to hide her flinch at the words, because she had thought that really, maybe this time _was_ different. The fall was always that much farther when she talked herself into believing things would change, and she could sense that this fall would be particularly brutal.

Rachel continued, pretending to be oblivious to the flash of hurt that passed across Quinn's face. "I mean, it's not like you're really anything special. You're not too hard on the eyes, thankfully, but really? I mean, come on. We both know I could do much, much better. Plus, you're not particularly good at anything. Just enough to get by, but never enough to actually be special or to stand out. And your personality…well, I think we both know that leaves something to be desired."

The stinging implications of the last statement hurt perhaps more than the rest, and Quinn braced herself for what she knew was still to come.

"Jesus, Quinn, are you going to just lay there and stare at me with your big fucking doe eyes all day?"

The madder Rachel was, the worse her language got, and Quinn cringed internally as she swore. Shaking her head to try and placate the other girl, she murmured, "No, I was just listening and trying to figure out what I can do better." Rachel scoffed, and the blonde felt her heart thud at the sound. She dismissed the twinge of fear she felt- she was with _Rachel_, and the brunette wouldn't do anything she didn't deserve tenfold.

Before she was even fully aware of what was happening, the brunette was straddling her, biting and twisting and _hurting_ every way she could, and Quinn didn't do anything. She figured she still hadn't served out her sentence, but she still couldn't help the tears that leaked from her eyes at the pain.

It had taken much longer than normal for Rachel to finish, and by the time she collapsed on the bed next to the blonde, both girls had tear tracks running down their faces. When Quinn moved to try and wipe away the brunette's tears, however, she gasped at the pain that seemed to ricochet off her ribcage and into her lungs. She had to stop, gasping for breath, and Rachel had looked at her, some semblance of concern on her features.

Quinn had nodded that she was ok, but she had been afraid then- afraid that maybe, this time, Rachel _had_ gone a step too far. That maybe, this time, her nightmares had come true. The brunette had left shortly thereafter, but she had softly told the blonde to call if she needed her.

The small display of concern was the best Quinn could hope for, but now, lying on the bathroom floor, she was desperately near to calling the brunette. She knew it was dangerous, but everything _hurt_, so much, and she couldn't bring herself to move. Instead, she let herself lay on the cold tile, feeling the cold seeping into her bones as time passed. Her internal debate continued as she weighed the options in her mind.

On the one hand, she knew that she might inflict more harm upon herself by calling Rachel. The brunette might not have meant the offer, and if she called, it would be nothing more than a show of weakness that would invite more tearing pain.

On the other hand, Quinn knew that it shouldn't hurt this much. She could barely breathe, let alone move. It had taken her what had seemed like hours to make the slow and painful trip to her bathroom to inventory the damage, and once there she had been too tired to actually do anything.

Upon waking, she had tried to sit up, only to realize that all of the aches and bruises had settled in her muscles while she was asleep. Her progress had been painstakingly slow, but she had managed to get a decent look at just how black and blue she really was. She didn't think anything was broken, but still…she didn't know how long she could stay on her bathroom floor.

Her phone was resting on the tiles next to her, taunting her, but as she looked at the display and saw that school was already in session for the day, she made the decision to wait. She could last through the school day, and hopefully, she would be enough improved that she wouldn't have to call at all.

Sighing and letting her head fall back onto the tile floor, Quinn willed sleep to come.


	4. Chapter 4

Warning: Indirect account/discussion of abuse.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine =(

Summary: For xrainingsorrowx's prompt over at the rq_angst meme. "Quinn abused Rachel for so long, so she feels it's okay if Rachel returns the favor."

* * *

Rachel sat in her desk, trying to focus on the teacher and failing miserably. She hadn't seen Quinn yet, and she couldn't quell the uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew last night had been brutal for the blonde, and she had to blink back tears at the memory.

The look Quinn had given her at first, full of love and unadulterated hope, had made her heart clench painfully. But then, close on the heels of her heart, her head was screaming at her that Quinn had no right, _no right_, to look at her like that. The blonde didn't deserve _anything_ from her after her past behavior, and somehow the screaming in her head drowned out the aching in her heart.

She didn't remember what exactly she had said to Quinn, but she certainly remembered the broken look in her hazel eyes. She didn't remember exactly what she had done to Quinn, but she certainly remembered the pained gasp that had escaped her when she had tried to move. She didn't remember what, exactly, had possessed her to do it, but she also remembered slipping out of the bed and leaving the blonde laying there alone, and that was what worried her now.

She _knew_ she had hurt Quinn last night, worse than normal, and the fact that the blonde wasn't in school made her worry that maybe, this time, she had taken it a step too far. That was always her deepest fear when she did this to Quinn- that one of these nights, she would go too far and hurt Quinn too much.

She was jerked from her thoughts by everyone in her class standing. Looking around in confusion, she sighed and just followed everyone, not particularly caring where they were going. As they filed into the auditorium, she sat in one of the rows close to the back, now a little curious as to what could possibly merit the entire student body population's attention.

As everyone quieted, the lights dimmed, and a video started playing on the projector screen. Watching closely to try and figure out what the point of the assembly was, Rachel jerked back as though bitten when the word _Abuse_ flashed across the screen. Unsure if she had maybe just imagined it there, she sat back and tried to remember how to breathe. As a picture of a woman who was beaten black and blue flashed across the screen, however, she inhaled sharply, feeling like someone had punched her. Suddenly, the screen was full of images of women and a few men who were all clearly victims of abuse.

As the images cycled through, Rachel felt herself shrinking smaller and smaller into her seat. Each of the victims had something that reminded her of Quinn, from that hopeful look to the way some of them seemed to be curling inward on themselves in an attempt to hide.

She tried desperately to repeat her mantra to herself that she was right in hurting Quinn, that is was _fair_, but as the pictures continued coming, she felt her grasp on the excuse slipping away.

The final blow came when a picture flashed onscreen of a teenage blonde. Her skin was mottled black and blue, but her _eyes-_ they were the same clear hazel as Quinn's, with that same look of hopeful adoration and utter love. She somehow felt it coming, but she was still unprepared when the next slide held the words, _Rest in peace to these and all the other victims of domestic abuse._

The thought of that blonde, so very much like Quinn, being dead before her life had even truly begun broke Rachel's final barrier, and she could feel the tears slipping down her face. As the speaker came onstage and began to address the nuances of abuse, what caused it, and what could be done to prevent more tragic and unnecessary deaths, Rachel found her feet moving of their own accord.

She shuffled past the other students sitting in her row, fairly bolting for the exit as soon a she was in the aisle. She heard a teacher call out after her into the hall, but she just kept going, not stopping until she was seated in her car.

As she shut the door, she let the tears fall in earnest, and the only question running through her mind was _Why?_

Why had she done this to Quinn? Why did she hurt the other girl, when all she had ever wanted was love and acceptance? Why couldn't she make herself _stop?_

Her tears finally began to slow, and Rachel exhaled, trying to regain control over her breathing. For the first time, in her head, she recognized what she had been doing to Quinn as abusive. No more excuses- just acknowledgement of the fact that she had been abusing the blonde.

She knew that, yes, Quinn had abused _her_ for the better part of two years. She also knew that the blonde's past behavior in no way excused her actions. The blonde hadn't come to her trying to hurt her. She couldn't justify her actions as self-defense.

The weight of what she had done and how much damage she had inflicted upon Quinn was sinking in, dragging her down into the cold embrace of guilt and fear. Guilt for the needless pain she was responsible for, and fear for the possible consequences of that pain.

She didn't know how to fix this. Her actions had been purely vengeful in nature, lashing out at the person closest to her. She couldn't simply wish away the damage she had caused, no matter how hard she tried. Her mistakes would leave permanent reminders for Quinn, possibly for the rest of her life, and the longevity of her actions brought a fresh wave of tears to Rachel's eyes.

She knew she could never truly answer to herself why she had drawn this out for so long. Maybe she had repeated her mantra of _It's only fair_ so many times she had tricked herself into believing it. Maybe she had gotten caught up in the power she suddenly held over the blonde. Maybe she had lost sight of who she was, and had somehow transformed into this cruel, mean-spirited person she didn't really know.

She looked at her hands on the steering wheel and felt like being sick as she recalled in vivid detail all of the times those hands had been laid on the blonde in anger. She didn't know this person who lashed out at little to no provocation. She didn't _want_ to be this person.

She knew that maybe, if she hadn't done so much wrong, she and Quinn could actually have worked. She never felt safer or more loved than when the blonde's arms were around her, and in the rare moment where Quinn smiled it made her heart swell with happiness. The sudden thoughts of what might have been were overwhelming as she thought for the first time about what she had thrown away.

She knew that no matter how much she apologized things would never be completely the same between her and Quinn. She had put the blonde through too much for that to ever happen.

The more she thought about it, though, the more Rachel came to the conclusion that just because she could never take back entirely what she had done didn't mean she couldn't still try to fix it as much as possible. She owed it to Quinn to help mend everything she had broken, even if it was never enough.

She refused to let herself turn Quinn into just another statistic. She _would not_ let Quinn end up like the girl in the video. Despite all of her actions speaking to the contrary, she cared deeply for the blonde, and she couldn't stomach the idea of her just being _gone_ like that.

Throwing the car in drive, she drove to Quinn's house, trying to work out the best way to talk her newfound realizations through with the blonde. She knew it was going to take time for the blonde to begin to believe it wasn't just another ploy, and she felt a stab in her chest at the thought of how many times she had wound the blonde up only to drag her back down to earth in a bloody mess.

Parking the car in the driveway, Rachel slowly stepped out. She knew Quinn's parents weren't home, and she cringed as she mentally added one more thing she had done wrong to her ever-growing list.

_Your own parents don't even want you, Quinn! Why the hell would anyone else? You're a fucking mess, not good for anything. I don't know why I even put up with you. you're just lucky I'm so tolerant, cause otherwise? You'd be all alone, baby._

Her eyes slipped closed briefly at the memory of how she had taunted Quinn about how nobody wanted her. She knew that the reality of the situation was just that Quinn had assholes for parents, too busy drinking and fucking around to even remember they had a daughter.

Quinn had confessed her fear of being alone and unloved to Rachel near the beginning, before things got _really_ bad, and she cringed as she remembered how she had manipulated the blonde using that information too. Everything the blonde had given her, she had thrown back in Quinn's face in malice and spite, never once caring about the damage she was doing to the girl.

Grabbing the spare key from its spot under the flowerpot, Rachel unlocked the door and slipped inside, closing it quietly behind her.


	5. Chapter 5

Warning: Indirect account/discussion of abuse.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine =(

Summary: For xrainingsorrowx's prompt over at the rq_angst meme. "Quinn abused Rachel for so long, so she feels it's okay if Rachel returns the favor."

* * *

_"It's going to be ok now, Q, I promise."_

The murmured words fell over and over from Rachel's lips as she laid in bed with the sleeping blonde, a new mantra to mold her life around. Glancing down at the dozing girl, the brunette grimaced at the purple and blue bruises adorning her features. A soft whimper escaped into the silence, and Rachel felt her heart break just a little bit more with the sound.

Wrapping her arms around the blonde just a bit more tightly, she nestled her face in soft golden locks, whispering soothing words to the distressed girl. Quinn seemed to calm at her touch, and as she fell back into a peaceful sleep, Rachel felt the onset of more tears.

She had spent the better part of the night crying her eyes out over the consequences of her actions, but she could seem to stop running through everything that had happened since she had stepped inside.

"_Quinn?"_

_Her voice seemed to echo in the apparently empty house, and she felt a worried tug in the pit of her stomach. She climbed the stairs slowly, hoping against hope that Quinn was just asleep. _

_Stepping into the blonde's room, she called out for her again, and jumped when she heard a weak voice call, "Rachel?" The voice was coming from Quinn's bathroom, and Rachel nudged the door open. _

_The second she saw Quinn curled up on the bathroom floor, a wave of nausea pounded through her, and she barely made it to the toilet in time. When her stomach was emptied, she leaned back against the tub, just staring at Quinn. The blonde was looking at her worriedly, her bottom lip caught between her teeth, and Rachel felt a pang of guilt. _

_Crawling over to her, she gently murmured, "Are you ok?" _

_Quinn shook her head, whimpering, "Everything hurts, Rach." The look on the blonde's face made Rachel fell like throwing up all over again, but she forced the feeling down. She couldn't help Quinn if she was too preoccupied with her own feelings of guilt._

"_Do you want to go back to bed?" _

_Quinn nodded at her question, and Rachel slowly moved closer. Slowly, carefully, she slid an arm behind the blonde, helping her to sit up. When Quinn tried to stand, however, her legs gave out and Rachel barely managed to catch her. Taking her time and trying not to hurt Quinn, Rachel helped her to the bed. The blonde fell back on the bed, breathing shallowly, trying to catch her breath._

_When she finally opened her eyes she looked over at Rachel. She didn't know why the brunette was here instead of at school, but then, she didn't think she had ever seen the diva actually concerned about her before either. Painfully scooting over on the bed, she asked softly, "Hold me?"_

_Rachel nodded and slipped into the bed next to her, and Quinn exhaled as she felt arms gently encircling her. She didn't know where all of this was coming from, but she knew that she had never seen the brunette like this before. There was something…different. Somehow, something had changed in the last 24 hours. _

_As she felt Rachel press a tender kiss to the side of her head, Quinn exhaled deeply, sinking into the other girl's embrace. Mentally crossing her fingers, she prayed that her nightmares would stay away long enough for her to get at least a few minutes of peaceful sleep, so she could pretend that things with Rachel were going to stay better forever._

Rachel bit back a sob at how Quinn had clung to her like she was some sort of savior. She could still taste the bitter bile in her mouth from her first glance of what _she had done_- and _oh god,_ it had been awful.

Even more terrible than the physical consequences, however, was the way Quinn had looked at her with those broken hazel eyes. It was obvious that she was shocked to see the brunette, which was bad enough, but the hesitance somehow made it even worse.

It had been glaringly obvious that Quinn didn't believe it was going to last- she had murmured something in her sleep about how she wished she could just pretend it would stay better this time, and it had broken Rachel's heart just a little bit more. She hated that she was the one to inspire such doubt in the blonde. She knew that it was her own fault for promising change and then never delivering god only knew how many times, but still…

The light coming in through the curtains was beginning to fade, and Rachel realized for what had to be the millionth time just what a horrible person she was. Normally, people would be coming home right now, maybe fixing dinner and talking about how their days had been. Instead, Quinn was left with an empty house, alone save for the girl who, until that morning, had been slowly killing her.

There wasn't anyone to look out for Quinn, but as Rachel felt the girl cuddle closer to her, she silently thanked her lucky stars that she could at least work on fixing this without having to worry about a parent barging in. The freedom was both comforting and terrifying, because Rachel had, for the first time, begun to comprehend the true scope of her actions.

If she broke Quinn, there wouldn't be anyone there to help pick up the pieces and put her back together. She was, ironically, the closest human connection Quinn had, and the thought that she was the blonde's lifeline pained her. She didn't want to screw things up any more than she already had, but she certainly couldn't just leave Quinn to her own devices.

Nuzzling into Quinn's hair and inhaling the sweet scent, Rachel thought about what she was going to do. She knew that she needed counseling, and that Quinn would need it too. She knew that she wasn't going to be leaving Quinn's side in the near future, and she knew that she was going to nurse the blonde back to health no matter how long it took.

Beyond those few things, however, she found herself at a startling impasse. She had no clue how to begin making things better with Quinn. Whereas she had been the one initially experiencing the terror of waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under her, now that was Quinn's daily life. No matter what she did, there would always be a small undercurrent of concern that it was nothing more than another tactic. No matter what she did, there would always be a little bit of fear.

Looking down at the girl in her arms, Rachel shook her head, appalled at her own actions. She never, _ever_ wanted Quinn to fear her again, and she didn't care how long it took. He was going to keep trying until one day, maybe, things would be better. Without all of the yelling, without all of the push-pull tactics, and without all of the tears. Without all of the _pain_.

Quinn had suffered more than enough, and Rachel hesitantly admitted that she had played a far larger role in that suffering than she would have liked. Leaning down, she tentatively pressed a soft kiss to Quinn's cheek before letting her eyes slip closed. She would talk with Quinn when she woke up, but for the moment she found her eyelids drooping with every disappearing sunbeam.

Letting her eyes close she prayed the bliss of dreamlessness, waiting for the comforting darkness of sleep to overwhelm her.


	6. Chapter 6

Warning: Indirect account/discussion of abuse.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine =(

Summary: For xrainingsorrowx's prompt over at the rq_angst meme. "Quinn abused Rachel for so long, so she feels it's okay if Rachel returns the favor."

* * *

Quinn groaned as she tried to move and felt her sore muscles scream in protest. As she started to stretch, she became suddenly aware that she wasn't alone. A warm arm was wrapped around her waist and gentle fingers were moving in soothing patterns across her back, spelling out words that she couldn't quite discern.

Inhaling to try and calm the sudden panic in her heart, Quinn found herself caught up in the heady aroma of _her_. The sweet smell brought with it a rush of memories, and the blonde felt her breath catch in her throat as it all came rushing back.

_Rachel coming in and finding her on the bathroom floor. _

_The momentary fear at seeing the brunette, followed by confusion, followed by surprise when Rachel was all gentle touches and soft glances._

_Falling asleep with Rachel holding her close, murmuring soothing words to her about how everything was going to be ok now. _

Forcing air into her lungs, Quinn let her eyes slide closed. Everything was just too confusing, and she was still tired and hurting, and the feeling of Rachel's fingers on her back was just _too damn distracting_.

The brunette's fingers felt like magic, gently kneading all of the tension and hurt from her muscles. When Quinn felt small fingers releasing a particularly painful knot in her shoulder, she was unable to stop the moan from escaping into the otherwise silent bedroom.

She squeezed her eyes closed immediately, hoping that Rachel would think she was still asleep. No matter how unusual the brunette's behavior was, she didn't know if her being so needy and forward with how she was feeling would trigger an outburst from the smaller girl.

Instead of the anger she had been expecting, however, Quinn found herself being held even closer. Rachel was whispering to her again, something about how it was just a dream, and the blonde realized that the other girl didn't know she was awake. Careful hands were running up and down her back, trying to soothe her now tense muscles, and after a few moments Quinn felt her body relax into Rachel's.

She felt more than heard the brunette's sigh as she relaxed again, and one of the smaller girl's hands came up to run gently through blonde hair. Quinn was almost drifting off to sleep when she heard the first sniffle. She had to fight the urge to look up and comfort Rachel, seeing as how she was still supposed to be asleep, and she waited for the brunette to do something.

"God, Quinn, I'm so sorry."

The strangled whisper was the last thing Quinn had been expecting to come out of Rachel's mouth, and she wondered briefly if she hadn't died and fallen into some alternate universe. She forced herself to pay attention as she felt Rachel take a deep breath, clearly preparing to say something else.

"I wish…I wish I could take it all back. God, there's so many things I want to take back, I wouldn't even know where to start. I wish I had been able to just trust you when you first came to me and admitted you had feelings for me. I wish I had known then what an amazing, sweet, gentle girl you really are. Maybe if I had known then everything I know now…"

Rachel's voice trailed off, and Quinn exhaled, not sure how to feel about what she was hearing. Hearing that sadness in the brunette's voice made her heart _ache_, even though she knew it probably shouldn't after everything the other girl had put her through. If anything, her heart should be aching for herself and the hell she had gone through, but she couldn't seem to stop _caring_ about the little brunette.

Quinn cut her train of thought short as Rachel started speaking again after inhaling a shaky breath, murmuring, "You should hate me. _I_ hate me, for Christ's sake! I don't know why you liked me in the first place, but I feel like…I don't know. Maybe that sweet, innocent version of Rachel Berry is gone. Maybe now I'm just this fucked up mess who can't stop hurting the girl I'm in love with."

Quinn couldn't stop the thrill that passed through her at the other girl's words.

_She loves me_.

And just like that, she felt like none of the hurt she had gone through mattered any more. She knew, in some small corner of her mind, that it really did and that she couldn't just forget it, but the momentary elation seemed to erase all obstacles from sight.

"I don't know what I'm going to do." Rachel's pained voice drew the blonde from her thoughts for a third time, and she it back a sigh as she listened.

"I don't think I'm what you need right now…we've been nothing but bad for each other since the start, and maybe it's wrong of me to think we could change that. I mean, _jesus_. I've been _beating_ you, and it's taken me how many fucking months to realize that it's wrong and I have to stop? I just…where do we go from here? How do I fix this? How do I fix _you, _Q?"

Rachel was still speaking softly, and the quiet desperation she could hear made Quinn want to cry. Never before, even when Rachel was at her cruelest, had she heard the brunette sound so defeated, and the thought that Rachel might be giving up on her terrified Quinn into blurting out, "You don't have to fix me."

The second the words were out of her mouth she could feel Rachel stiffen against her, and she mentally cursed herself for not thinking before opening her mouth. Rachel pulled back slightly, looking down at her with an emotion on her face that vaguely resembled fear.

"Q? How much of that did you hear?"

Quinn was suddenly distracted by a string hanging off the hem of her shirt. She knew that Rachel's musings hadn't been meant to be heard, _ever_, and she felt suddenly guilty for pretending to be asleep so she could listen. When she didn't answer, she heard Rachel sigh, and then a gentle finger was lifting her jaw and forcing her to meet sad chocolate eyes.

"You weren't supposed to hear that, but I guess it's good you did," she said softly. "I'm not sure I ever would have found the courage to say that to your face, and it's important for you to know."

The brunette still had that tone to her voice that made Quinn want to cringe, and now that she could see her face she noted the red rimming her eyes and the tear tracks on her cheeks. Rachel's arms were still around her, and Quinn knew that if she didn't distance herself from the other girl at least a little bit she was going to end up doing something stupid.

Sitting up and slowly pulling out of Rachel's warm embrace, Quinn tried to collect her thoughts. Everything was happening too fast. She was still hurting, and exhausted, and it was just too much all at once. She knew that Rachel was waiting for her to say something, to _do_ something, and she racked her brain for something to say.

Finally, her brain settled on a single question that seemed important. She needed to know this if she was going to even consider her potential optinos from this point on out. Looking up and catching Rachel's eyes, she exhaled slowly in an effort to ground herself before breathing out the one question that was now running circles in her head.

_Why?_


	7. Chapter 7

Warning: Account/discussion of abuse.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine =(

Summary: For xrainingsorrowx's prompt over at the rq_angst meme. "Quinn abused Rachel for so long, so she feels it's okay if Rachel returns the favor."

* * *

She didn't know why she had thought it would be so easy.

She had _known_, coming out of that assembly, that what she had done was terrible and horrible and everything about it was wrong. She had _known_ that it was going to be an impossibly long road to fixing everything she had broken- namely Quinn. She had _known_ that she couldn't expect forgiveness overnight, and that she was going to have to wait a very, very long time before things started to have any semblance of normality, and she thought that she had been ok with that.

The knowledge that she had done something unforgivable to Quinn had been shoved to a distant corner of the brain the moment she saw the blonde on the bathroom floor and rushed to help her.

Her quiet acceptance of the fact that she and Quinn both were going to take a long time to get better had flown out the window the moment the softly spoken question of _"Hold me?" _had slipped through full lips.

And everything she had promised herself she would do, from distancing herself from the blonde to seeking immediate help for what she now realized was a real and honest problem? Well, _that_ had disappeared as though it had never been the second Quinn had snuggled up to her, letting herself sink into the embrace as she fell asleep.

Rachel knew that she probably should have forced herself to remember all of the things she had gone over in her head on the way to Quinn's. She probably shouldn't even have gone to Quinn's in the first place, lest she exacerbate the situation further, and she knew for a fact that she most certainly shouldn't have held the blonde so gently, listening to the sound of her steady heartbeat.

All of the things that she should have done, however, hadn't happened. She had forgotten, she had gone to Quinn's without a second thought, and she had held the girl to her as though there wasn't anything in the universe more fragile or precious than the sleeping blonde.

The problem with forgetting and seeing and _holding_, though, was that it made it all too easy for her to slip into a fantasy world. It became easy to convince herself that all of the terrible things she had done were nothing more than a figment of her imagination. It became too simple to lose herself in the soft waves of blonde hair spread across the pillow, and the way Quinn had a gentle hold on the hem of her shirt.

Fantasy was fine and dandy while Quinn was sleeping peacefully, but then when the blonde had stirred and moaned, Rachel had been brought crashing back to reality. She had felt sick as she realized that Quinn was probably having a nightmare, about _her_. She had held the blonde a little bit tighter, stroking her back and whispering to her over and over that everything would be fine.

The morning light had seemed suddenly harsh, throwing into perfect relief every different tone in Quinn's normally flawless skin, and Rachel had bit back a sob. She had been unable to stop the stream of words pouring from her mouth as she felt the blonde relax into her again, and she had fought her way through her muddled thoughts aloud.

She knew that it would be better if she could say everything while Quinn was awake, but she wasn't sure she could take the look in the blonde's eyes. She knew that Quinn loved her, and would be too eager to forgive. The blonde thought, in some twisted way, that she deserved all of the pain, and Rachel knew that absolutely wasn't true.

Getting Quinn to see that she hadn't deserved any of it would be difficult, and Rachel knew that once she did, there was a high likelihood that Quinn would never want to see her again. The thought of the blonde hating her made her heart clench painfully, and she wished for the billionth time she had never hurt Quinn in the first place. The pain of being alone would be worth it, though, if she could just give Quinn back some semblance of her old life, her old self. That fire- it would be worth all the lonely nights in the world if she could give it back to Quinn, and she just had to figure out how to do it.

When Quinn had suddenly been awake, then, Rachel had been faced with a choice: she could run like she always did, or she could stay and face Quinn, and maybe help start them both on the right path for once. It hadn't taken more than a second for her to make the choice to stay, but once she did, she had been suddenly terrified of what Quinn was going to say. As the blonde had pulled away from her, she had felt a pang in her chest as she realized this could be the beginning of the end, and she had tried to steel her mental resolve. When that one word had slipped from Quinn's mouth, though, she had felt all of her self control and resolve slip away in an instant.

_Why?_

She had wrestled with that question before, and had come up with a variety of attempts at justification. She knew they were pathetic and nowhere near a good enough answer for Quinn, but she also knew that she owed it to the other girl to at least try and explain her motivations.

Slowly, painfully, she had tried to give Quinn an answer. She had been hurt. She had been full of resentment. She had been angry at the power the blonde had over her for so long. She had been scared of letting her defenses down. Lashing out had been easier than actually feeling something. Her anger and hate had transformed into worry, and the only way she knew how to try and fix everything was to keep going.

All of the excuses ran together, and she knew that some of them probably didn't even make sense. Some of them seemed so completely foolish and naïve and terrible in retrospect, but they had been driving her at the time, and she was determined to give Quinn the complete picture.

When she had gone through every reason she had ever come up with for hurting Quinn, she paused and then started to explain why she had left school and what had happened. She knew she was talking a bit fast, but Quinn was just watching her, not saying anything, and she didn't want to let silence fill the air. Eventually, though, she ran out of things to say. She had said her piece, and now she just had to wait and see what happened.

When Quinn had remained silent, just watching her, for a few minutes, Rachel had tentatively asked, "Quinn?"

The blonde had started a bit, and then sighed. "It's just…it's a lot to take in, Rach," she murmured. Rachel nodded vigorously, and that was when she had made a mistake. In her rush to try and reassure Quinn that it was ok to take her time, that she would wait, that things were going to be different now, she had forgotten herself. She had forgotten the extent to which she had harmed the other girl, and that, no matter, how calm she appeared, under the exterior Quinn might still be afraid.

Her mistake had been a simple one, easy to make, but it had been more than enough. She had reached out a hand to grab Quinn's, but her movement was too fast, and all Quinn saw was a hand coming towards her, and in that split second instinct took over. Before Rachel was even fully aware of what had happened, Quinn was on the ground, huddled in a ball in the corner of the room, her whole body shaking.

Realizing what had happened, and what she had inadvertently done, Rachel had struggled to find her voice. When she was finally able to squeak Quinn's name out, the blonde had flinched away from the sound of her voice. The sight had torn Rachel to pieces inside, and she had racked her brain for a way to reassure Quinn that she wasn't going to hurt her.

Eventually, though, Quinn had stopped shaking on her own, and had slowly stood. Her voice was quiet as she said, "Can you leave?"

Rachel had opened her mouth to protest, but had stopped herself. If this was what Quinn wanted, then she would give it to her. There was no way in hell she was ever going to force the blonde to do anything ever again, and if she needed to be alone, then she would leave.

She had moved slowly, trying not to startle Quinn again, and paused as she stepped through the door. "Call me if you need anything. I know that you have absolutely no reason to believe that I've changed, but please. If there's anything…I'll be here. No matter what time it is, or for what. Just…know that, however ironic and awful it might be, I want to be here for you."

She had left quietly, not letting the door slam as she left the house, before going and sitting in her car. The second the door was closed, she had felt the start of the tears she had been forcing back, and she let them fall.

She had _known_ what she needed to do. She had _known_ how badly she had hurt Quinn, and she had _known_ not to expect any sort of forgiveness. Somewhere between the previous night and the present, however, she had managed to forget everything she knew to be true, and she had gotten her hopes up.

Wiping her tears angrily, she started the car and began driving home. Once upon a time, Rachel Berry had known so much. She had known exactly what she was going to do to get on Broadway, she had known who she was, and more recently, she had known what she had to do to start fixing things with Quinn. Once upon a time, Rachel Berry had known everything.

Until she didn't.


	8. Chapter 8

Warning: Account/discussion of abuse.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine =(

Summary: For xrainingsorrowx's prompt over at the rq_angst meme. "Quinn abused Rachel for so long, so she feels it's okay if Rachel returns the favor."

* * *

"_I think we need to stop seeing each other."_

Quinn would never have guessed that so few words could have such a massively horrible effect on her. Somehow, though, hearing them coming out of Rachel's mouth hurt far more than any physical blow, and she squeezed her eyes shut in an effort to pretend that this wasn't really happening.

Never in her various imaginings of how things between her and Rachel would end had she considered this. The thought that _Rachel_ would be the one to leave _her_- well, she just hadn't accounted for that possibility.

Feeling like the weight of the world had settled firmly on her chest, Quinn wondered how she could possibly have missed this.

After Rachel had left her house, Quinn had managed to drag herself back to her bed. Every ache that had diminished, every bruise that had felt miraculously healed- they all came back with a vengeance the moment Rachel was out of the room and the adrenaline was gone from her body.

Groaning, Quinn almost contemplated calling Rachel to ask her to come back. The girl was effectively her drug; when she had Rachel she felt as close to ok as she ever would, and the highs were breath taking. The times when she _didn't_ have Rachel, however, were excruciating, and the lows were soul crushing.

That wasn't to say that everything was great when she was with Rachel- obviously, there was a significant number of times where things were less than perfect. The important thing to Quinn was that Rachel remained the only one who could give her any semblance of the love she was looking for.

On top of that, when the petite brunette was around Quinn never seemed to feel her injuries quite so much. The pain was still there, but the normally sharp bite was dulled by the other girl's presence. Groaning as she felt her side twinge in protest as she tried to breathe, Quinn barely managed to control her urge to reach for her phone.

Much as she wanted the brunette, she knew that she needed to think through what she was going to do. Rachel had seemed so heartfelt, so sincere, and Quinn wanted desperately to believe that this wasn't just another ploy. Even if the brunette was serious, Quinn knew she still needed to proceed with caution.

It was hard enough to even admit that something bad had been happening to her- there was still a very large part of her that screamed she was merely doing penance. There was that niggling voice in the back of her mind, though, that adamantly maintained that she didn't deserve any of what Rachel had been doing to her.

Even if she admitted to herself that she had been wrongly abused by the little brunette, she then found herself faced with the question of what to do about it. Abuse or no, she recognized that her relationship with Rachel had impacted her. The flinching, the pained silences, the complete dependence- all of these things were a direct result of Rachel.

At the same time, she also knew that there was no way she could leave the brunette. Rachel had changed her for the worse, but also for the better. Rachel was the one who compelled her to be kinder in her actions to others, and who showed her it was possible to love even after everything she had been through.

Maybe, she thought, if _she_ could love after everything, then Rachel could love too. It certainly seemed like the brunette had been feeling _something, _if not love, and that was a start, right? Something other than anger and hate and guilt?

She figured that, if Rachel was serious about all of this, she would come through with a plan. While the girl she had been in love with for the past few months had seemed at times like a completely different person, she knew that Rachel Berry, gold star, was still lurking there. If she was sincere in her desire to fix things, or at least start down the right path, she would come up with some 80 page dissertation on their options and possible choices in true Rachel Berry fashion.

Quinn found herself hoping desperately that Rachel would come bursting through her door at any minute, binder in hand, prepared to give an eloquent and verbose two hour presentation. She caught herself straining to hear the sound of the door all through the afternoon, and she would have kicked herself if she didn't know it would only make everything hurt more.

The rest of the day found the blonde occupied by thoughts of Rachel. When she showered and scrubbed at the bruises covering her body, she relived every time Rachel had hurt her. She ended up sitting in the bathtub, knees up to her chest and her head on her knees, sobbing and wondering how she could still love the girl even after she had done so much damage.

Later, she found herself crying again when she was getting dressed and slipped into one of Rachel's hoodies out of habit. The worn brown hoodie had been left at Quinn's house and still smelled of the brunette, and Quinn wondered at the irony that the one person who could utterly destroy her was still the one who she turned to for comfort. Inhaling deeply, she sat on her bed and relished the soft scent that reached her nostrils.

It was only later, after eating a makeshift dinner of toast and soup and popping more Ibuprofen than was recommended, that Quinn allowed herself to think about more than just isolated incidents with Rachel. She sank into the large plush chair that used to be her father's, back before the booze and the women and the absence. Absentmindedly wrapping a soft blanket around her, she let out a quiet sigh.

Rachel had hurt her. She knew that. The problem was that Rachel also put her back together.

If Rachel was sincere about wanting things to be better, could she honestly have a productive relationship with the girl who had hurt her so deeply? Or would the shadow of the past forever hang over them, keeping the guilt and the pain fresh in both their minds?

Quinn knew that these were questions she needed to discuss with Rachel, if the brunette came back and was serious about changing things between them. She knew it might be foolish to be thinking about these things when there was no guarantee on Rachel's part, but she felt a sense of calm about the situation nonetheless.

If she was completely truthful, she probably should have at least been asking herself these questions for months, even if she didn't discuss them with Rachel. Having an idea of where she, at least, stood with regards to the relationship was a surprisingly liberating feeling. For the first time in months, Quinn felt like she actually had some control over where she was in life.

She knew that she didn't have the strength to leave Rachel, but she at least recognized her situation and what she could do to try to improve things. She also knew that, if Rachel went back to hurting her, she would eventually be able to break free from her of her own volition.

She didn't want to leave the brunette, but just because she couldn't right now didn't mean she wouldn't be able to build up the strength to do what was best for her in the future. That thought on its own was more than enough to help steel her for whatever confrontation she might need to have with Rachel, and she almost smiled at the calm she felt.

Her day of thinking had allowed her to reach a level of calm and clarity that she could normally only reach when Rachel was around. She wasn't delusional, and realized that she still had more unanswered questions than answered, but it was a start. The knowledge that she could accomplish this small victory on her own, without Rachel's help or interference, brought a small smile to her face.

Quinn's thoughts had been interrupted by a knock on the door. Still somewhat distracted by the questions flitting around her mind, Quinn had gone to open the door to find a distressed brunette standing there. Seeing Rachel, Quinn felt her jaw drop and her mind blanked out. She had been imagining this all day, yes, but that was entirely different than seeing Rachel actually standing in front of her.

Timidly, Rachel asked, "Can I come in?"

After a long moment without a response, she quietly added, "Please?"

Quinn sighed but nodded, moving out of the doorway so Rachel could get past. Closing the door behind her, she turned to see Rachel fidgeting with the hem of her shirt, staring at the rug.

Raising a questioning eyebrow at the brunette, Quinn waited for her to say something.

"_I think we need to stop seeing each other."_

Any words but those might have been expected. But no. Once again, Rachel had to knock her off her guard and do something like this.

Forcing her eyes open, Quinn inhaled deeply, letting everything she had been thinking about all day filter through her mind. She weighed the pros and cons of Rachel's declaration in her mind, carefully considering her options. If she was going to keep going with this, she wanted to know that it hadn't been a split-second decision.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Quinn looked at Rachel and waited for the brunette to meet her eyes. Rachel finally looked up, brown eyes watching hazel nervously. Quinn opened her mouth, closed it, and sighed again before letting out a quiet admission.

"_I think we do too."_


	9. Chapter 9

Warning: Account/discussion of abuse.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine =(

Summary: For xrainingsorrowx's prompt over at the rq_angst meme. "Quinn abused Rachel for so long, so she feels it's okay if Rachel returns the favor."

* * *

Rachel exhaled slowly as she sat on her bed.

She was now 24 hours into life without Quinn, and she had to admit that she wasn't a fan. No, that was the understatement of the year- going without the blonde and her soft hazel eyes and gentle smile had been like torture.

It certainly didn't help that she knew she was to blame, and she mentally kicked herself. Kicking just didn't seem adequate given what she had done, but it was the best she could manage under the circumstances.

After Quinn had quietly agreed that they couldn't be together any more, Rachel had left fairly quickly. Quinn hadn't seemed entirely sure of herself, more hesitant than normal, and Rachel hadn't wanted to push. The last thing she wanted now was to do anything that might make the blonde feel pressured in any way.

She spent the rest of her Friday night in tears. She _knew_ that she had done the best thing, for both of them, but it didn't mean that it didn't hurt like hell. Trying to think of ways to distract herself for the remainder of the weekend, Rachel felt like crying all over again when she realized that she would normally spend every minute of it with Quinn. She figured it was karma that her first weekend on her own had to be a long one- the school had given them Monday off for a teacher workday, meaning she had an additional day to fill.

Now, she was stuck. She had spent her entire Saturday lying in bed thinking about what she had done and what was going to happen now. After a full 24 sleepless hours of berating herself and wondering why she was such a monster, she had finally fallen into a fitful sleep. When she woken up this morning, she was surprised to discover that she didn't particularly want to beat herself up any more.

With her previous pastime eliminated, she was at a loss as to what she should do. Sighing and rubbing her eyes with a fist, she wished that this was something that she could just research and find a quick and definite solution to like she normally would.

Sitting bolt upright, Rachel realized with a start that, while there was no easy solution, she could at least try the research part. Maybe there were people out there who had been through the same thing and had found ways to come back from it. Maybe she wasn't doomed to spend the rest of her life in self-imposed isolation for fear of hurting someone she loved.

A quick Google search quickly revealed that, while positive outcomes were few and far between, the brunette at least wasn't alone in her struggles. Scanning various stories, Rachel felt her heart begin to sink as nearly every one ended in pain and hurt for everyone involved. Letting her head fall to the keyboard with a thump, she groaned in frustration. If the only possible outcome was more pain for Quinn, she didn't want to know.

Letting her mind bounce around for a few minutes, Rachel suddenly sat upright again. The people whose stories she was reading had only been able to create more pain, for both themselves and the people they loved. Maybe, though, if she learned from their mistakes and could figure out what they did wrong she could avoid doing the same thing.

Her energy renewed, the petite singer resumed reading. She spent all day and far into the night reading stories of heartache and pain, betrayal and failing hope. When she eventually collapsed on her bed, she closed her eyes and immediately saw the frightened faces of everyone she had just read about. They were mostly generic, but all of them had some feature of Quinn's- her hazel eyes, her pale skin, her gentle smile twisted in fear.

Rachel had meticulously recorded all of the mistakes that people had made to make their situations worse, but she had found no clear way to make things better with Quinn. At best, she realized that if she was going to succeed where others had failed, it was going to be a long and hard process. Groaning and turning over to look at her alarm clock, she saw the blinking green numbers slowly change from 4:30 to 4:31. Flipping on to her back, she stared up at her ceiling and wondered for the thousandth time what she should do.

She knew without a doubt that she still wanted some kind of relationship with Quinn. The past two days had proven beyond a doubt that her life without the blonde was miserable, and she didn't want that misery to be the rest of her life.

Exhaling slowly and trying to relax her tense muscles, she wondered if maybe they could just be friends. Her drooping eyes flew open at the thought. All of the stories she had read had involved couples trying to preserve their relationship as it had been—as romantic partners, and that had ultimately led to their downfall. Maybe if she and Quinn could start again, in a purely platonic relationship, they could make it through.

She knew that she still had countless little details to work through, but the brunette felt immensely better having at least some sort of plan, however far fetched it might be. Curling on her side, she closed her eyes. Tomorrow, she would talk to Quinn. Tomorrow, she would start to fix things.


	10. Chapter 10

Warning: Account/discussion of abuse.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine =(

Summary: For xrainingsorrowx's prompt over at the rq_angst meme. "Quinn abused Rachel for so long, so she feels it's okay if Rachel returns the favor."

* * *

As Rachel was falling asleep in the early hours of that Monday morning, a few blocks away Quinn lay tossing and turning in her bed. Two days without Rachel and she was slowly going insane.

She missed everything about the brunette. She missed her smile, the way her eyes glinted when she laughed, the sweet scent of apples that followed her everywhere- everything about the other girl had left a gaping hole in her chest and she didn't know how to fill it without the brunette.

Quinn recognized that it was bad for her to be so desperately dependent on Rachel, but she also thought that, as long as she acknowledged it, it wasn't so awful. She knew that it was good for her to spend some time away from the brunette, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt like hell. None of her physical injuries had ever hurt quite so much as this separation from Rachel, and this pain certainly wasn't fading away.

None of the questions she had come up with about where their relationship might go mattered in the least if she was trying to quit Rachel (heh) cold turkey. The blonde almost laughed at how absurd that sounded, even in her mind. It made it seem like Rachel was just a bad habit to break, like smoking or drinking, and Quinn found herself wishing that it was really that easy.

The little brunette was her whole _world_, and she didn't know how to survive without her. She knew that some people felt that way about alcohol or drugs, but she was fairly certain there wasn't a "Lesbian Domestic Abuse Victims Anonymous" located in Lima, Ohio. She had virtually no support system- Rachel was the closest thing she had to a confidant, and now that was gone.

The emotional toll of being separated from the brunette came quick and hard- far harder than anything Quinn could have anticipated. She hadn't fully realized the extent of Rachel's integration into her life. Everything she had done since beginning things with Rachel had been either with or for the other girl.

Biting her lip as she thought about how empty her life was going to be, Quinn inhaled sharply when the thought of school crossed her mind. She hadn't even bothered thinking about how that would figure in to things, but now? She didn't know how she was going to survive seeing Rachel every day, hearing her sing and knowing that she couldn't be a part of her life any more.

She didn't know how to live her life without the brunette. The thought seemed depressing and the outlook for her near future bleak, but Quinn knew it was now a real possibility. She just didn't know what to do with herself. The thought of going about her everyday activities without the promise of Rachel's smile or the occasional gentle touch seemed like the worst kind of torture imaginable.

Quinn exhaled forcefully, wishing for the hundredth time that there was some sort of easy fix. She knew there wasn't, but she hated feeling like this- helpless and empty and lonely and _hurt._

It was like being lost in a nightmare, and she couldn't even try to find her way out of the darkness because her light had been ripped away from her. Thinking briefly on her analogy, Quinn decided that no, it wasn't entirely accurate. If Rachel had been her light, she hadn't been leading her out of the darkness but rather in circles. Still, that had felt better than this stagnant misery.

She wanted to hate Rachel for doing this to her, but anger only made her feel small and sad. She didn't want that to be her life. She wanted to grow and escape all of the pain she was feeling, but she just didn't know how. Some small part of her was adamant that she needed Rachel in order to do that, but there was a larger chunk of her rational mind that was still hesitant to let the brunette back into her life so easily.

Still, Quinn found herself longing to be able to be around the little singer again even if it wasn't in a romantic way. She loved Rachel, even after everything, but she knew that acting on her desires alone would only complicate the situation more.

Maybe, she mused, if they could start again…no, that would be too easy. But still, if they could at least try as friends instead of lovers, it might make a difference. At least that way she would still be able to be around Rachel instead of going into a depressed withdrawal.

Quinn knew that she probably shouldn't be around Rachel by herself at first, but that could easily be solved by meeting with friends. All of their fellow Glee club members would be a perfect buffer between them, and would ensure that emotions didn't get out of hand too quickly. As long as she had some form of contact with Rachel she knew it would make her life infinitely easier. She hoped it wasn't just wishful thinking that this would be a good idea, but for now it gave her hope that she desperately clung to.

Sighing into her pillow and curling onto her side, she let her eyes closed and waited for sleep. Now that she had at least a glimmer of hope, her weariness began to take over her body. She would have to talk to Rachel at some point, but there was time for that later. For now, she needed to sleep, and everything else could sort itself out tomorrow.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N:**Oh wow. So it's pretty much been forever...my bad. I honestly didn't realize quite how long it had been since I updated this (or really any of my fics) and decided that needed to be fixed. So. Here's an update, I should have another one by tomorrow. Also, I'm going to shamelessly plug for a new fic I'm doing. It's a Skins fic with a Keffy pairing called Don't Say (That You Love Me). I'm dying for feedback on that one, so if you're bored...or in the mood for lengthy angsty fic...please go read and review. That is all.

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Rachel sat on the couch next to Quinn, waiting nervously for her to say something. She had shown up at the blonde's house unannounced, praying that Quinn would talk to her. They hadn't said much after the initial agreement that they needed to stop seeing each other, and she didn't know what to expect.

Quinn had opened the door and been surprisingly upbeat about the brunette showing up on her doorstep only days after announcing they couldn't see each other any more. She raised an eyebrow and asked lightly if Rachel planned on making a habit out of coming over unannounced, but she had let her into the house.

When Rachel had softly asked if they could talk, Quinn had suggested they sit so they would both be more comfortable, but once seated neither girl knew how to start.

Finally unable to take the strained silence any longer, Rachel started talking quietly.

"Quinn, I- well, I've been thinking about this all day, trying to figure out what to do. I'm just so lost right now, and I don't know what to do, and I've been trying to figure it out. I tried researching it, and…god, I'm so fucked up. They had practically a whole profile on me- well, the general stereotypes of people who hurt others the way I've hurt you, for the same reasons. Apparently it's called 'the myth of mutual abuse' or something along those lines, and it's a sort of justification that is commonly used to try and diminish and minimize the abuse taking place. There's also- "

The old, rambling Rachel seemed to be making an appearance, and were the situation different Quinn might have laughed. Instead, she was just staring blankly at Rachel. The diva seemed to notice her expression, and stopped abruptly.

Rubbing her eyes, she exhaled and said more calmly, "Sorry. I just…I really don't know what I'm doing here. I want so badly to fix this, to make up for everything that's happened. I know I need help, counseling and stuff, but…I'm going to get it, and I just don't want to hurt you while I'm still in the process of trying to fix myself. If I could, I would fix everything right now, but…I'm obviously in no condition to be offering any sort of help with regards to gaining a healthy lifestyle. Given my obvious shortcomings at the moment, I think it's for the best if we stop seeing each other in a romantic context. I don't want you to get hurt any more, least of all because of me."

Quinn sat there, taking in everything Rachel was saying. Breathing deeply and feeling the still-present ache in her side, she gathered her thoughts. Despite the fact that she still didn't know what she really wanted or needed, she at least wanted to try to communicate some of what she had been thinking about with Rachel.

When Quinn started talking, her voice was soft and hesitant. Rachel instinctively leaned a little bit closer, needing to hear exactly what the blonde had to say.

"Rachel, I love you."

The brunette opened her mouth to protest the second the words were out, but Quinn held up her hand to stop her from saying anything. Shaking her head gently, she said, "Just let me get this out, okay?" When Rachel nodded reluctantly, she continued.

"I love you, and that's a problem right now. I've been thinking too, and it's been really weird to think about everything that's been happening. It all seems a little bit like a nightmare, you know? I mean, it just seems…absurd, I guess, that this would happen. Now, I just….I have so many questions. I don't know where to go or what to do either. I _love_ you, but I don't know right now if that would ever be enough. What we've gone through…what we've_ both _done, I don't know if we would ever be able to overcome that and have anything even remotely close to a healthy relationship."

Rachel felt her heart breaking at what Quinn was saying, and she could feel the tears sliding down her cheeks. She had obviously thought about the same thing, and wondered if they could ever recover from this, but hearing it coming from the blonde felt far more final and terrible. Hastily wiping at her tears, she waited for Quinn to continue.

"I know that, by rights, I shouldn't love you right now. I should hate you, but I can't. All weekend, I've been thinking about that, and I still don't really have any answers. It's so fucked up that you can tear me up and just _completely _destroy me without even trying, and then somehow be the one that I want to put me back together. I know that we need to stop what we've been doing, and that any sort of romantic relationship is out of the question, but…I still need you, Rach. I don't care if it's just as friends, I just need to have you in my life somehow. I don't know how to go about my life without you, any more, and I know that this is screwed up, but I still need you."

Rachel knew her mouth had to be hanging open and she blinked hard. She couldn't believe that Quinn would still want anything to do with her after all of this. In all of her scenarios of how this conversation could go, she had never once imagined this, and she had no idea what to do. She had never imagined that Quinn might come up with the same exact plan on how to continue to see each other without risking more pain.

Even though she was ecstatic on the inside, Rachel cautiously asked, "Are you sure, Quinn? I mean, I'll do whatever you want, but…I don't want to pressure you into anything that you aren't ready for right now."

Quinn nodded resolutely, not deterred in the least by Rachel's hesitance. "I know that we have a long way to go before reaching anything close to being okay, Rach, but I've thought about this and I don't want to just go it alone. I have a lot of problems to work through, and I promise I'm going to get help, but I need you too. Somehow, you've ended up being the one person who knows me best, and I can't lose that."

Rachel sighed and closed her eyes, thinking through what the blonde was suggesting. It was what she had wanted, desperately so, and Quinn seemed adamant that it was what she wanted as well. Opening her eyes, Rachel nodded and murmured, "Okay. I have a stipulation, though."

When Quinn looked at her expectantly, Rachel continued, "I think it's best if we try this around other people first. Just, you know, around everyone else in Glee or other friends. A group setting, basically."

Glancing at the wry smile on Quinn's face, Rachel asked, "What?"

"Nothing," Quinn replied with a small smile. "I was just thinking the same thing."

Glad that they were on the same page, Rachel hesitantly said, "We'll do this your way, Quinn. If you change your mind at any time, or if you don't want this any more, all you have to do is tell me."

Smiling a little, Quinn said, "Deal."

Leaning back into the couch cushions, Quinn exhaled and realized how tired she was. Her eyes slipped closed, and she heard Rachel standing to leave. Opening one eye, she murmured, "Wait. Can you just sit with me a little while longer?"

Quinn reached out a hand and grasped lightly at Rachel's, tugging the brunette to kneel in front of her. The careful way the brunette moved around her tugged at her heart, and she squeezed the hand gently. Rachel got back up slowly and sat on the couch.

"I don't know if this is going to work, Rach," she whispered, "But I'm glad we're at least trying."

Rachel nodded, blinking back tears at the soft look Quinn was sending her way, and she cleared her throat. She settled back in the couch further.

After about fifteen minutes of silence, Rachel asked, "So, will I see you at school tomorrow?"

Hesitating, Quinn finally said, "I don't know. Maybe."

Looking at her with concern shining brightly in her eyes, Rachel squeezed Quinn's hand and said, "If you need anything, please call?" Rachel had meant for it be a firm request, but it came out as more of a tentative question. Rachel exhaled in relief when Quinn nodded.

"Ok, I'm going to go. Try to get some sleep, hmm?"

Quinn nodded again then watched as Rachel sent a small smile her way before letting herself back out, shutting the door quietly behind her.


	12. Chapter 12

As promised, here's the next update!

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Quinn exhaled deeply as she walked down the hall on the way to Glee. She had anticipated the first day back being difficult, but she had sorely underestimated how overwhelmingly draining it would be.

She had taken Tuesday and Wednesday off to rest and plan out her next move. Her ribs had been doing better, but she hadn't want to push her luck and try to force herself to sit through school.

To fill the time, she had been texting Brittany and Santana. She had invited them to hang out over the weekend with her and Rachel. The invitation had earned her a snarky reply from Santana about hanging out with "the yeti", as she put it, but Quinn had snarked right back and had received a grudging acceptance of Rachel's inclusion.

Her initial friendship with the brunette had been the subject of much speculation, but Quinn had whipped out her patented HBIC glare and had cowed any and all who dared to question. The other glee members had started out taking bets as to who would kill who first, but as the months went by they had taken to ignoring it. So long as it didn't affect them negatively, it didn't really matter.

Quinn slowed her pace as she approached the room. She was exhausted, both physically and mentally. Going about her daily activities, from class to lunch- none of it had seemed the same without Rachel periodically glancing her way or subtly approaching her in the hallways. Granted, those interactions might not always have been positive, but still.

She had meant what she said about not being able to live without the brunette in her life, but despite her best efforts that seemed to be what was happening. Rachel had sent a hesitant smile her way during first period, but since then Quinn had been unable to catch her eye or approach the diva.

She supposed she shouldn't be surprised at Rachel's apparent affinity for sneaky ninja behavior, but it was frustrating her to no end. Quinn recognized that she did need to take it slow, and that Rachel was probably just trying to give her space and not over-step any boundaries, but she felt that the diva was taking things a bit too far.

They were in _school_, for goodness sake. She thought that being constantly surrounded by any number of students certainly counted as being with each other in public. If school wasn't enough to alleviate Rachel's worries, Quinn was concerned that she might simply withdraw completely. That being the last thing she wanted, the blonde had been scheming all day to try to find a way to corner the brunette.

Glee was the one place where she knew she was guaranteed to be able to just be with Rachel and not worry about the brunette running out on her or just ignoring her presence. Since around the middle of third period when she finally caught on that Rachel was determined to stay away from her, she had been looking forward to the end of the day when she would be with Rachel and the rest of the gleeks.

As she walked into the room, she saw Rachel already seated and made a bee line for the chair next to her. She almost felt like patting herself on the back for finally managing to situate herself next to the brunette. Rachel glanced at her, a questioning expression on her face, and Quinn just smiled before sighing and leaning back in the seat.

Watching Rachel out of the corner of her eye, she saw the brunette's lips quirk upwards in a hint of a smile before she too settled into her chair.

The practice passed uneventfully. Quinn could see the other glee club members giving Rachel weird looks when she didn't comment or offer some improvement on whatever Mr. Schuester was saying, but she couldn't bring herself to care. So they knew something was up. That was fine. She and Rachel had never disclosed what was going on between them- the good or the bad.

She had a feeling that Santana and Brittany knew that she and Rachel had been together, at least, because really? They weren't all that subtle. As far as the other stuff went…Quinn figured that Santana didn't know. Otherwise, Rachel would already be in a shallow grave somewhere.

She had no desire to let any of her team mates in on what was happening. Before attempting to explain to anyone else she wanted- no, _needed_- to figure out where she and Rachel were heading. It hardly seemed realistic to try to justify their decisions when she herself was still trying to work things out.

Leaning sideways in her chair enough so that her side was pressed against Rachel's, Quinn let her eyes slip closed as Mr. Schuester rambled on about some vibrato technique they could try. The other glee club members would find out eventually, but when they did she wanted to have discussed it with Rachel first. They had time to figure things out without high school drama getting in the way.

A tentative hand brushing against her own caused Quinn to blink her eyes open sleepily. Looking around, she saw Rachel watching her with a half scared, half amused look on her face. Glancing down she saw Rachel's hand still resting atop hers, only to be retracted hastily a split second later. Looking back at Rachel, Quinn felt a small smile touch her lips and reached out to take the brunette's hand.

"It's okay, Rach," she said quietly. "I'm not going to break."

Nodding unsurely, Rachel said, "You sort of fell asleep. I didn't want to wake you, but…"

Looking around the room, Quinn noted that everyone else had left, leaving her and Rachel alone. Meeting Rachel's eyes, she paused for a moment as she thought about her options. Making her decision, she said, "Well, while we're in here by ourselves, I have something I need to talk to you about."

Rachel waited patiently for Quinn to figure out what she wanted to say, only to arch an eyebrow when, "Quit avoiding me!" came tumbling out of her mouth. Flushing slightly at her lack of eloquence, Quinn tried again.

"I just…I thought we agreed that it was okay for us to hang out and be around each other when other people are around, but today…I hated being so close to you and having you act like you didn't even care!"

Brow furrowing slightly, Rachel said softly, "I just didn't want to rush you into anything. I told you I'll take this at your pace- whatever you want, that's what I'll do."

Sighing deeply to try and convey her displeasure with how the day had gone, Quinn said, "Well, what I want is for us to act like actual friends, and that means no more ignoring me."

Nodding slowly, Rachel exhaled slowly. "You have to let me know what you want, okay Quinn? If this is going to work- as a friendship or anything else- we need to figure out how to communicate better."

Quinn huffed a laugh that they were only now having this conversation, but nodded in agreement. "I can if you can."

Smiling, Rachel said, "I never thought communication would be something I needed to work on."

Near grinning now, Quinn mockingly gasped. "I didn't think I would ever hear Rachel Berry admit to anything less than perfection when it comes to her communication skills!"

Blushing a little, Rachel looked down at the floor. The banter felt nice- she had lost count how many times she had wished she could have gotten to know this Quinn first, or at least given the girl a chance instead of lashing out like she had.

Looking back up, she smiled and said softly, "Well, I better get going. I'll work on my communication skills, since they're apparently sub par, and I'll see you tomorrow?"

When Quinn nodded and smiled, Rachel was unable to keep the answering grin off of her face. Turning and walking out the door, she felt the grin spread as she realized that they were finally,_ finally_ on the right track.

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